Look back, not forward

July 24th, 2008 by Charlynn | Posted in Charlynn, Site News | 1 Comment »

My husband is a friggin’ genius. Last night, out of nowhere, he suggested that I try recovering old posts from the Internet Archive Wayback Machine. I took a look, and whaddaya know? POSTS! Starting from the beginning and available (thus far) to August 2007! It takes some time for the Internet Archive to sort through its contents and make them available, but my assumption is that in the next few months, I’ll be able to archive all of the posts made prior to June 2008 thanks to Wayback Machine.

Each entry will have to be re-formatted, categorized, and comments will have to be manually added, so the process may take some time. Take a look through the archives from time to time and see if I’ve added any new (old) posts. With time and luck, all of the old posts should be back on the site. Note: Not all of the links to the old news articles will work. They have since been removed or changed by the source. Aside from that, please let me know if I’ve made any errors.

Can I get a HELL YEAH?

I’m such a copycat, a.k.a., let’s talk about antidepressants!

July 21st, 2008 by Charlynn | Posted in Anorexia, Anxiety, Charlynn, Depression, Eating Disorders, Medication, Mental Health | 2 Comments »

I was just about to post a reply to Rachel’s thread about antidepressants on her blog, The F Word, when I realized that my reply was going to be a post in and of itself. Why not put it here instead? So I’m stealing her topic.

Because eating disorders occur so frequently with conditions like anxiety, depression and even bipolar disorder, antidepressants and mood stabalizers are not strange bedfellows to this community. My own experience with meds has been a seven-year journey that started when I sought treatment for depression. As a teenager, I knew I was depressed, but everyone - myself included - figured it was just “teenager blues.” It wasn’t. It took me nearly four years of feeling low to realize that I was clinically depressed. I finally sought treatment when I started receiving concerned comments from people at work who saw my constantly depressed state. They noticed that nearly nothing excited me or made me happy. Realizing that they were right and this was a miserable way of living, I finally made an appointment and saw my doctor.

Incidentally, this was also the starting point of my eating disorder. After starting celexa in April 2001 for my depression, I thought this was as good of a time as any to change everything in my life for the better. This meant, of course, eating nutritious food and exercising more. I eventually adopted a vegan diet out of the theory that this would help me put high-density nutrition in my body in purest form. At the time, it was sound thinking; it really did work, and eating more fruits, vegetables and whole grains gave my body an amount of energy I’ve never felt before or since. It started going wrong when I not only limited what I ate, but how much of it. By August 2001, I was restricting and rapidly losing weight. Strangely, I had no idea this was all happening. When I followed up with the doctor that month, I had lost 25 pounds in the three months since I had seen him. He asked me if I was using methanphetamies. I didn’t even know what they were at the time. My thought when he told me how much weight I had lost was, “Oh, so that’s why my shorts fit so baggy now.” I was so naive!

I don’t know how much the antidepressants had to do with my massive weight loss; it may have been a side effect in conjunction with my changed diet, or it might have had no effect at all. I’ll never know.  Another thing I’ll never figure out is when my depression started intertwining with my eating disorder. I noticed it happening in summer 2002, but I suspect it began earlier than that. The two began fueling each other, and as one increased in strength, so did the other. Anxiety joined in the fun and made the process spiral even faster. Eventually, the combination overpowered me and by December 2002, I was in the clutches of anorexia.

In the meantime, I had switched medications twice by then. Celexa gave me an unbearably dry mouth that never went away, so I was put on Zoloft. It worked well in elevating my mood without too many side effects. The one side effect it did give me, though, was that my head felt like it was floating just slightly above the rest of my body. It was a weird sensation, and although it was not unbearable, the doctor switched me to lexapro because of its low reported side effects. Lexapro did nothing for me, but I was also anorexic by then and on a low dose.

Since then I’ve tried Prozac twice, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, and Paxil. Here’s a rundown of how each medication affected me:

Prozac (2003-2004) - The first time I was on it, I was actively eating disordered. It elevated my mood and gave me energy, and worked well until my body adapted to it and stopped working.

Effexor (2004-2006) - I tried this when Prozac stopped being effective. It worked well in keeping my mood up, but withdrawals from this medication were a BITCH. As good as this medicine is when you’re on it, I don’t recommend it because of the aftereffects. Many people complain of “brain zaps” when withdrawling from Effexor, and I experienced them as well. Trust me, they are not pleasant.

Wellbutrin (2004)  - I freaked out on this one. My moods swung constantly and I was in tears much of the time. I shouldn’t have been on it in the first place because I was purging, so I’m actually glad this medication didn’t work. I probably would have had a seizure if I would have stayed on it. I asked my doctor to put me on it because weight loss was a reported side effect, and he didn’t seem concerned that I had an eating disorder. Bad, bad, bad.

Cymbalta (2004) - Did absolutely nothing for me. Next!

Prozac, take two (2008) - Gave me tons of energy and elevated my mood. Possible mania? I’m not sure if I know what mania is because I feel down so much of the time. I could be mistaking mania for simply feeling good.

Paxil (2008) - Did a wonderful job of stabilizing my mood, but the weight gain was unbearable. I freaked out when I gained 10 pounds in two weeks. Any benefit the med was giving me was outweighed by my reaction to the sudden and (seemingly) uncontrollable weight gain. I demanded that I be taken off of Paxil immediately, so my psychiatrist put me back on Zoloft for the time being.

Zoloft, take two (2008) - Seems okay at a low dose thus far. No major side effects, but not a huge change in my mental state, either. The psych and I have discussed topamax as a mood stabalizer, and I have done some research on lamictal as well. I may try one of them and see if they work at normalizing my mood.

So that’s where I am at. What meds have you tried for your condition(s), and how have they worked? Share your experiences by making a comment.

“Chubby girl” 1962: Where does that put the rest of us?

July 20th, 2008 by Delaney | Posted in Delaney, Eating Disorders, General, Pop Culture | 1 Comment »

http://www.erosblog.com/2008/07/17/chubby-girl-1962/ (WARNING: Link NSFW)

If this woman is one of the “chubbies” or “grumpy lumpies” that this horrible excuse for a human being, George Pesante, then who were the “slim darlings of modern fashion”? He never shares with us what these “slim darlings” actually look like, and thus, all we know about them is that they “cost less to feed”, have to be taken out to fancy places, and that they force men to lift and toss them around as if they were ballerinas.

Women are already subjected to the Madonna/whore complex in that they must both be virginal and slutty, saving themselves for men yet freely giving themselves over for male sexual gratification. That dynamic seems to be playing out in a rather twisted disturbing way in Pesante’s construction of the so called “fat girl.” The fat girl is both “one of the guys” and hence sexually unavailable yet at the same time she is sexy with her “great mounds of skin” and her desperation for male attention. The worth of the so called “fat girl” is determined on the basis of how she acts as a surrogate male buddy yet at the same time provides the feminine adoration and titillation that women are “supposed” to want to give men even if they don’t outright show it.

Pesante makes reference to the proliferation of diets and slimming clubs before lamenting the “disappeance” of the fat girl. But the “disappearing” he refers to is that of the fat girl’s availability to and easy, amicable deference to men. The fat girl already “disappeared”. How could she “disappear” when she was largely invisible in the first place - invisible not only because she was marginalized due to her appearance not fitting the ideal but invisible in the sense that when she was purportedly acknowledged (”See, a whole article about ‘fat girls!’ “) an entire narrative of thoughts, motivations, and assumptions were foisted upon her. In much of feminist discourse, the thin/emaciated woman is often construed as “the invisible woman” so it is interesting to think of the normal to large sized woman in that context, as invisible. Especially since a huge percentage of the eating disordered population falls into those weight categories. They desire invisibility yet at the same time are invisible. It is a terrible irony that they pursue invisibility, yet are invisible while doing so even though their behavior is often obvious to others and it could (and does) potentially kill them. Just as validation as a “real woman” comes through achieving a body type that only a tiny percentage of woman have, so does validation as an “anorexic/bulimic” comes through achieving a weight and body type frighteningly not far removed from the desirable “okay” ideal.

Pesante smugly declares that “when a man does bestows his favors upon [fat girls], they react like a St. Bernard in a sausage factory.” I’m assuming he’s saying that fat girls respond excitedly to any male attention. But I had a different reading of it. Weren’t old/unwanted dogs and horses often sent to the sausage factory to be ground up into cheap meat back in the late nineteenth/early twentieth centuries? I remember seeing the movie “Annie” as a kid and I recall the part where the mean orphanage director threatens to send Annie’s dog, Sandy, to the sausage factory and all the kids got scared because they knew it meant it would be killed. Sadly, today slaughterhouses still are places where animals often die cruel, painful deaths. With that in mind, why would a St. Bernard even want to go to a sausage factory? Sandy certainly didn’t want to.

Are eating disorders a form of suicide?

July 17th, 2008 by Rachel | Posted in Eating Disorders, General, Mental Health, Rachel, Suicide | No Comments »

The blog Between Living and Existing wrote about a new eating disorders awareness PSA campaign across Canada. The Looking Glass Foundation, a non-profit organization seeking to develop Canada’s first residential center for the treatment of adolescents with eating disorders, is the sponsor of the campaign. Their PSAs sound very hard-hitting — images shown include girls compulsively weighing and measuring themselves and a bulimic using a broken toothbrush — and seek to expose the realities of eating disorders.

I applaud any effort to raise awareness of and education about eating disorders. I especially applaud the organization for not being afraid to show the often harsh and definitively unglamorous side to an eating disorder. I further applaud the organization for seeking to establish a residential treatment facility, and for its summer camp and scholarship programs. We need more organizations like The Looking Glass Foundation.

My only issue with the campaign, and it’s a minor quibble, is its theme: “Not every suicide note looks like a suicide note.”

It’s a common stereotype that people with an eating disorder are subconsciously or even consciously trying to kill themselves. And I can see where many might get this idea. After all, eating disorders erode not only the mind, but also the physical self. Many sufferers, like me, are left with lasting physical reminders of our eating disorders years after we have reached a stable point in our recovery — that is, if one succeeds in recovery. For all too many, recovery is the carrot forever dangling out of reach. And don’t doubt it: Eating disorders are as real and deadly as cancer. There is no cure. The final symptom is suicide.

I’m sure there are people with a death wish who hope an eating disorder will help them achieve this goal, but for me and most people with eating disorders I know and have talked to, eating disorders aren’t a way to die. They’re a way to live. There is a reason why people who promote anorexia as a lifestyle choice say that a dead anorexic is a failed anorexic. For many, an eating disorder is a way to cope with larger emotional issues in their life. We are unable to comprehend and manage the real issues in a healthy and constructive way, and so we fall back on our bodies, allowing its behaviors and compulsions and urges to say what we really feel and need. In flesh, we describe a pain we can not communicate in words. For me, my eating disorder came at a unique crossroads in my life, a time when I felt deeply depressed, confused and unsure of myself and also a time of great upheaval in my family, personal and professional life. Starving gave me a goal, a way to stand out and exert control.

Many eating disorders naysayers like to bandy about the statistic that only some two hundred people die each year from anorexia, but the truth is, we have no way to realistically estimate just how many people die each year from an eating disorder. One would be hard-pressed to find anorexia or bulimia cited as the cause of death on any death certificate, just as obesity itself is never listed as a cause of death. Most often, it is the complications that arise from an eating disorder — heart irregularities, malnutrition, kidney failure, electrolyte imbalances, depression and suicide, etc… — that cause the death of a person with an eating disorder. And since we don’t even have a reliable estimate of the numbers of people with an eating disorder — many cases go unreported for fear of shame or due to a lack of resources — we will never be able to pinpoint a reliable estimate of just how many lives are taken each year by eating disorders.

It is true that an eating disorder is often a silent cry for help. It is also true that starvation and chemical imbalances brought on by an eating disorder often cause such great depression in sufferers that many feel suicide is the only way out of their pain. It is also true that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. In fact, the annual death rate associated with anorexia alone is more than 12 times higher than that of all other causes combined for females between 15 and 24 years of age. But most people with an eating disorder do not want to die and their disorders are not a suicide note in the making. Most people with an eating disorder want to live – and an eating disorder allows them the only way forward they know how to take in order to keep living.

Eating disorders carry with them great ironies: Most develop as a form of control, but soon begin to control us; the object of our obsession does not bring us happiness, but rather more sorrow and pain; and no matter how much weight we lose, it’s never thin enough. But perhaps greatest irony of all is that that which allows us to live has also the power to kill us.

Cross-posted on www.the-f-word.org.

Fired for anorexia? Rachael Ray employee files suit

July 8th, 2008 by Rachel | Posted in Anorexia, Legal Issues, Rachel | 3 Comments »

Aaron Ferguson, a former accountant for Rachael Ray’s TV cooking show, recently filed a lawsuit against CBS and three employees of the show (none of which include Ray) alleging that his supervisor repeatedly exhibited “hostile behavior” and made “vile,” discriminatory and hurtful comments. Ferguson said he repeatedly complained about his supervisor’s use of discriminatory language — in his presence — regarding anorexia and people with anorexia but that his/her superiors did nothing to resolve the situation. After he complained about his treatment, Ferguson says he was fired last year. Read the full story here.

What do you think of the situation?  Have you ever experienced discrimination for your eating disorder in employment, at a college or university or elsewhere?  Do you think this case will set a precedent for other people struggling with the same issues?

Not so simple, my dear Watson

July 8th, 2008 by Charlynn | Posted in Anorexia, Bulimia, Charlynn, Dieting, General | 4 Comments »

Every morning, Google sends me e-mail alerts to news stories on eating disorders. Most of the time, it’s not ground-breaking news, but now and then, a diamond shows in the rough. That makes it worth it.

On the other hand, press releases like this one for the Pen and Paper Diet will show up in Google’s list of "news" and disgust me. Not a good way to start the day.

Seriously, what the fuck? Most people with eating disorders know the calorie content of everything. They practice the art of tracking calorie consumption down to a fine science. How does counting calories help someone with an eating disorder?

According to the press release:

"This diet will be ideal for those that struggle with anorexia and bulimia because it can enable these individuals to maintain their weight at the low end of BMI like they would prefer while digesting their food," Dow says.

Riiiiiiight. Because it’s all about the food and weight. Nevermind the emotional reasons why someone develops an eating disorder in the first place. Nevermind the fact that eating disorders become an addiction. Nevermind the fact that counting calories is considered a component of disordered eating and not recovery. And nevermind the fact that controling caloric intake will not "provide all the tools the general public needs to control one’s weight." Er….no? What about genetics, metabolism, and all that other cool scientific stuff that determines body type? Humans come in various shapes and sizes for a reason, and it’s not 100% related to how much we eat in comparison to the next person. If it were simply a matter of reducing caloric intake, we could all fit into what insurance tables consider our "ideal weight" and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple!

In the words of Michael Jackson , "It’s ignorant."

New eating disorder messageboard

July 2nd, 2008 by Rachel | Posted in Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Pop Culture, Rachel | No Comments »

I’ve created a new messageboard for my personal site at www.the-f-word.org/discuss

I get lots of emails from folks who suggest great and interesting topics for me to blog on - ideas that I don’t always have the time or energy to follow up on - and a messageboard allows you to start topics on those tidbits and get feedback from both me and others. You can discuss news and current events or chitchat of-topic. You can also share recipes, talk about your favorite books, or show off some of your more creative works of art. One of my favorite forums is The Boutique, where members are encouraged to discuss fashion trends, and also to swap clothes that don’t fit and flatter their bodies for clothes that do.

I’ve also included support forums for those with eating disorders and caregivers of people with eating disorders, along with forums to get advice on self-esteem issues and relationship problems. There are forums to discuss women’s health related issues, like pregnancy, infertility and PCOS; HAES-inspired fitness and nutrition; or to talk about mental health issues like AD/HD, Asperger’s Sydrome, Autism and self injury or physical health issues like thyroid deficiencies, diabetes, digestive disorders or physical trauma.

Please read the board rules first before introducing yourself in the Introductions forum and joining in on the conversations.

Advice from an anoretic’s husband

June 28th, 2008 by Patrick | Posted in Anorexia, Patrick | 4 Comments »

The longer I live with my wife, the more grateful I am that my family had healthy eating habits as I was growing up.

I wouldn’t wish an eating disorder on anyone. But, for the life of me, I still don’t understand how – or, maybe more importantly, why – this disorder works.

My wife says that’s a good thing. If I understood, she tells me, then I’d have the disorder. It’s like a secret club of which you don’t want to be a part, even if you’re a member.

But living with a recovering anoretic/bulimic for the past two-and-a-half years has taught me a few lessons on how to pursue a relationship with someone who’s in this secret club. So here is a short introduction on how to have a relationship with someone who has an eating disorder – hopefully good for parents, siblings, co-workers and friends as well as spouses:

(Please remember that these are the general rules I’ve found while dealing with my wife…. And eating disorders have no blanket treatment. What works for me with my wife might not work for you. But this is what has worked for me.)

When you’re dealing with someone with an eating disorder, you’re dealing with someone who is extremely sensitive. And this isn’t just about weight. It’s about pretty much everything. Wherever you tread, tread lightly.

Weight and food will be issues, whether you want them to be or not. Realize that you, too, will have to change how you eat, when you eat and what you eat – but realize that food itself is not the problem.

Show off the healthy habits you want her to mimic. If your habits aren’t healthy, change them. One thing I noticed when we first started eating together was that I ate huge meals. She tried to keep pace and, in turn, she stuffed herself silly every time we ate together. I’ve since learned to eat smaller meals, not only to set the positive example for my wife but also to be healthier myself. (By the way, this goes in reverse. My mother-in-law has this habit of not eating or eating extremely small meals when the family is together. I never notice it, but it drives my wife CRAZY. Remember, the anoretic sees everything, especially when it comes to food.)

Don’t try and fix her. This one’s been hard for me. You can’t “talk it through” until she’s better. That’s not your job. Your job is to love and support her, not fix her. She needs love more than she needs help.

Trust her. Don’t ask her when she ate, what she ate, if she’s hungry. Don’t ask her if she’s been purging or restricting. You’re not her doctor. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you – and if your relationship is truly strong enough, she’ll have no choice but to tell you, even if you’re not asking. Give her reasons to trust you.

At the same time, don’t feed her disorder. Pushing her toward healthy habits – and then letting her reach them on her own – is admirable. Badgering her about her eating habits and constantly questioning or critiquing her will only make it worse.

Do anything to help her get better. Go to therapy with her. Accept the food quirks that are weird to you but absolutely essential to sanity for her. Change yourself and your habits.

If she wants to talk, let her. Listen. Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything. Don’t ever force her to talk – it will make you relish the chances when she wants to do so on her own.

HOWEVER…

When it comes to her body, you don’t talk about it. You don’t talk about her weight. You don’t talk about how good (or how bad) she looks in a certain pair of pants. Discussion of weight is off limits – her weight, her friend’s weights, her mother’s weight, a celebrity’s weight, your weight. You DO NOT TALK ABOUT WEIGHT. Underweight, overweight, whatever, it doesn’t matter. You don’t talk about it. Even if you think you’re being positive, don’t do it. Telling her she looks good or, even worse, that she looks “healthy,” might just make it worse. To you, she always looks good; she always has and she always will. She doesn’t look any better or any worse than she did yesterday, last week or last year. She’s beautiful. Her weight doesn’t matter. And if her weight doesn’t matter, we shouldn’t spend a second of time talking about it. End of story.

The world sucks a little more without George Carlin

June 24th, 2008 by Charlynn | Posted in Anorexia, Binge-Eating Disorder, Charlynn, Eating Disorders, In Memoriam | 1 Comment »

Comedian George Carlin died Sunday at 71. Known for not mincing words and his sharp wit, he challenged conventional wisdom and transformed any subject into comedy gold - the more controversial the better. He tackled everything from abortion to children to the state of the country and scripted his “tell it like it is” perspective into hilarity that brought the house down every night. He was also known for his observation of more mundane things, such unusual use of language. He made us all aware of the bizarreness of everyday phrases like “jumbo shrimp,” “near miss” and countless others. And of course, there was that thing about the “seven dirty words “.

I could rave for ages on Carlin’s accomplishments, but plenty of other places have written articles that gush about his life and career , so I’ll leave them to it. Instead, I’ll talk about one of the few things Carlin didn’t understand: eating disorders.

He discussed anorexia and bulimia in his 1992 HBO special, Jammin in New York. Have a look:

You could interpret George’s comments in one of two ways:

1. He didn’t have time for stupid shit like eating disorders, so it’s amazing he commented on it in the first place when he could have been talking about something more important.
2. He was uncharacteristically ignorant when he talked about them.

My vote goes to option 2, but I have a feeling George would agree more with #1 if he were still around just because it falls more in line with his onstage persona. It seems obvious to me that George didn’t understand that eating disorders are mental illnesses, not a choice where a “rich cunt don’t wanna eat.” If it were that simple, I wouldn’t feel sorry for people with eating disorders, either. I probably wouldn’t have developed one myself, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be writing about them right now.

In Carlin’s defense, it was 1992 and eating disorders were hardly understood just about anywhere. And as a recovering addict to drugs and alcohol himself, I’d like to think he would have more empathy than he let on.

Despite this one nitpick, I will miss George Carlin very much. I’ll miss his honest perspective in a world that wants me to ignore just how bad it’s getting. I’ll miss the way I would eagerly await his newest HBO special and watch it 6,000 times straight upon its release. I’ll miss the opportunity to see him live, something I always wanted to do but never did, and now I won’t. I’ll miss his incredible usage of the word “fuck.”

One thing I will not miss is the way he makes me laugh. He will always make me laugh.

Eating disorders and mental health parity

June 23rd, 2008 by Rachel | Posted in Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Legal Issues, Mental Health, Rachel | No Comments »

CBS has a report on some sad news to come out of San Diego. Twenty-six year old Janell Smith was hospitalized in January this year for anorexia. A feeding tube kept the severely underweight woman alive. But three weeks later just as Janell seemed to be improving, her father said he got a call from Janell’s health insurance provider, Magellan Health Services . Brian Smith tells CBS News,

“The counselor said, ‘Nobody’s talked to us about next-step strategies. In fact, we don’t support this. The insurance company is pulling the plug.’ That was her words.” Janell was released from treatment. Days later, her family says, guilt-ridden in the wake of an eating binge, Janell ingested a toxic combination of Tylenol, vodka, and cocaine. She overdosed and died.

“Had she been able to get the care she needed,” says her sister, “and had the doctors said, ‘You know, she’s at a good place, and she can go into an outpatient program,’ I believe she’d be with us today. I really do.”

Magellan denies that, countering that Janell discharged herself and that her doctors didn’t request extended hospitalization for a woman who weighed just 70 pounds and required the use of a feeding tube . The company adds that it was the family’s responsibility to ask for more coverage (shouldn’t this responsibility fall on doctors?), that Janell’s coverage had simply expired and that, had the family asked for more, Magellan would have granted it. Anyone who’s ever battled both an eating disorder and health insurance rules and regulations would know the latter part is simply not true. It’s often as large of a battle to get an insurance company to pay for treatment as it is to recover from the disorder itself. Shame on you, Magellan. Shame on you.

This is why bills like the Paul Wellstone Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act (H.R. 1424) is so, so important. People are literally dying while insurance companies continue to discriminate against mental health just to save a few bucks on their bottom lines. I urge you to help support this bill and others that help promote eating disorders for what they are: a serious, mental illness that can be as deadly as cancer and therefore deserving of equal coverage under law.